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Wednesday, August 18, 2004
"If I see a sign that says 'Welcome to Canada,' you're out of this car!"
Feeling:  envious
Craving:  cinnabun
Music of choice: "I Go Back"-Kenny Chesney
You know how some experiences leave you wiser? Which is why of course old people are all-knowing-because they've already experienced it all. And yet, we still refuse to listen to our elders because they speak "crazy talk." And we think our parents are being unfair when they won't let us go somewhere or get in a car with a certain person, because they've forgotten what it's like to be a kid. Experiences help to shape who we are-as Kim Katrall would say, "Who we are in bed is who we are in life." Then again, Kim also said that "Men cheat for the same reason dogs lick their balls. It's in their nature." Perhaps I shouldn't take everything so literally...however, after last night, I reached a revelation. I learned one of many to come life lessons. It came with a fair price, a little laughter, a little panic, and a lot of love. In the end, I'm that much the wiser, and it may save my life some day. Or at least my gas...what is this intriguing life lesson I learned, you ask?
Do not leave directions up to Danielle. Do not ever drive alone with Danielle. Always carry a map in your glove compartment. And always take the highway over the backroads. Danielle led us on a little road trip after the movies last night. Note: going straight out of the movie theater will not lead you to 68-it will, however, lead you to Waterbury. Which will then cause you to take an illegal U-turn and go the wrong way on a one-way street. However, if you come to a road that you THINK is 68-turn around, for it is a decoy that will only lead you toward Middletown. I said I wanted a sequel to The Village, but I wasn't really picturing myself as one of 4 leading characters. On our journey, we also found a man who wanted to be the next missing person file, because anyone walking a street lined with woods on either side and no houses, dressed in dark colors does NOT want to be found, and what could have been a baby lying in the middle of the road. Perhaps
it was left by the same man who was trying to take his life...
Maybe it really is better to be blind in the middle of the woods.
 What are you doing up at 12:21 pm?
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Monday, August 16, 2004
you don't have to call...actually, yes you do....
Feeling:  wired
Drinking:  cold coffee
Music of choice: "Last Night"-The Strokes
So I think I have ADD. I can't seem to complete a task without getting distracted lately. Today I sat down to complete one of two long-begrudged papers I have due for psych class. I must have worked on it for at least 3 hours this afternoon. Yet, I kept finding excuses to interrupt me. I had to pee. Then I had to go get my water bottle out of the fridge so I can keep up my insane amount of 2 liters a day, which is then a result of my constant peeing. Urinating, for all you fanatics about "dirty words." Pissing for all you rebel-without-a-cause types. Then, I got hungry...a result of having my mouth glued shut for a week. So I got a snack...but I didn't wanna eat and try to work @ the same time, so I sat down to watch TV until I finished eating...then a good show came on, and I got involved in that long after my snack ended....and before I knew it, twas 4 o'clock. Determined now, I settled down to finish what I had started...but then of course, I needed to get online for research, and once I got online people started talking to me...and of course I couldn't ignore them. That would be rude, and my mother always taught me to be polite. Somehow time slipped away to 4:45, and by then I MADE myself work, and put up an away msg. The sad fact is, after a strong effort until 5 o'clock, I reread everything I wrote, decided it was too lengthy, and rewrote it in 15 minutes...my afternoon was an effortless piece of crap. But @ least I took a shower..that's saying something.
I am choosing now to start my second liter of the day...and I am giving myself until the stroke of midnight to finish it, which is when I'm supposed to get offline...The last time I attempted to drink a gallon of water in less than an hour, I puked my brains out and had the worst migraine of my 15 years 10 months and 27 days (but who's counting?).
...Let's experiment, shall we?
A few nites ago, I was lying in bed, and for some reason, instead of hearing melody to The First Cut is the Deepest, I heard the harmony, loud and clear. It overpowered the melody. Or maybe it just seemed that way. Or maybe I have musician's ears after all....lately I've been trying to sing along with the harmony to most songs on the radio, if they have them, and if they don't, I try and create a harmony, instead of singing lead. Perhaps a phase? Only time will tell....
On a last whim, I just remembered the relay of dreams I had last night. I don't think I had one specific dream...seems more of a callaboration of dreams; a dream colLAgE if you will. I can't remember much...I just remember lying outside with alot of people. It was at someone's house, and there was alot of hugging, and the words "I love you I love you" kept echoing from some distant person. Perhaps it's my previous life peeking its way through my subconcious, trying to tell me I was a tree-hugging hippie of the 70's. I can't recall who was in my dream with the exception of one individual, but I do know I woke up thinking it was weird that these certain people were in my dream, seeing as I hadn't thought of them or seen them in a long time. And yes, I can see you rolling your eyes right now at the comment of the aformentioned individual, the thought bubble forming above your head, and the head of the figure that is encased in that thought bubble. It's no one you will guess in 5 tries...or even 10. Hell, I'll even eliminate the obvious-it's a female. Now try guessing...leave a comment if you're feelin lucky. Winner receives a prize.
What are you doing up at 11:19 pm?
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Friday, August 13, 2004
Right now, I have the strongest craving for peacock...
Feeling:  sore
Craving:   hamburger & fries
Music of choice: nothin
I finally know the meaning of hunger. Maybe it's because I've been hungry since Tuesday. Hunger doesn't even have a definition anymore-it just-is. I have no idea what it feels like to be satisfyingly full. Somehow, sucking down pudding, jello, applesauce, smoothies, and milkshakes just can't replace the joy one gets from biting into a juicy burger and letting the grease roll off your chin...what I would kill to eat a burger so disgustingly messy I need a napkin in between every bite. I faintly resemble a chipmunk. Or a squirrel...a squirrel getting ready for winter by using its mouth as a storage space for nuts. I look like the before picture in one of those weight-loss ads you see on TV. I should be the new spokesperson for Jenny Craig, or Weight Watchers, or even Trimspa baby!!! I want to laugh and cry at the same time-my sanity keeps me choosing laughter every day. I want to do everything and nothing all at once. As soon as I get the energy to do something that needs to be done, I just feel like lying back down and going to sleep. I am familiar with every room in my house by now-I've seen the commercial for The Princess Diaries 2 about 30 times in the past 2 days and I want to punch a hole through the TV. I don't ever want to see Julie Andrews, Raven Simone, or Anne Hathaway grace my screen again. The littlest things irritate me-my mom relentlessly asking me day after day if I want to try a food that requires chewing-even the slightest chewing, like scrambled eggs. Normally, I would adore her constant praising, or babying me as if I were in 2nd grade again stuck in bed with the chickenpocks. However, I only get more irritable. I do not, under any circumstances, want to chew. I do not even want to think about chewing. Even talking about chewing makes my jaw hurt. However, I never want to see pudding, jello, or anything that only requires swallowing ever again. I don't even want to be writing this entry. This is my third entry I've begun since Tuesday, and halfway through both others I've deleted them and walked away from the computer. I think the surgery may have caused some side affects-possibly ADD? I feel like I can't sit still for more than 5 minutes anymore-perhaps its because all I do all day is sit still. I wake up around 7 from my mouth being sore, attempt getting something down with my meds, then wash up a little because I feel like my mouth and face are both a wasteland. Once my mother leaves, I take painkillers and go back to bed, where I usually fall asleep with the TV on till about 10. Then, I watch Dawson's Creek until 12, Saved By the Bell until 1230, and finally get up and go to the kitchen, in some hopes that by opening the door to the fridge enough times, eventually it'll reveal something I haven't already had for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. Yet, time after time I'm only disappointed to find the same pudding, jello, yogurt, and cold mashed potatoes I've stared in the face and yet seemingly turned down each time before. From there, I ice my face until its unbearably cold, or until the icepack goes from frozen to cool, and today I actually attempted to get back to work on my psych work. I managed to get through one chapter of my book without getting fidgity, and then I actually sat down at my desk to take notes on my reading-which I ended up crumpling up and throwing out on the first 3 attempts because my writing bothered me. Then I got distracted by the thought of my water bottle in the freezer. When I finally sat back down and actually got 2 pages copied, it was then that I realized that I had copied them under the wrong section-on the verge of a nervous breakdown, I decided it was time to take a break, so I went outside to bask in the sunlight for the first time in my 48 hours of house arrest. Unfortunately, the swing in the backyard could only keep me entertained for a maximum of 5 minutes-so I actually ventured across the street to get the mail, risking being reported as a neighbor's escaped pet. When I brought the mail in I still wasn't ready to tackle the thought of redoing my notes again, so I settled on the couch downstairs for a mental break. After an episode of Step by Step, Switched, and Knock First, I decided I was ready to settle down and give it another go. Miraculously, by 530, I had recopied all the notes once again...but of course, as you can probably guess, luck just wasn't a friend to me today. After comparing my notes to my text, I realized that I had forgotten to transfer all the vocab from the first section to the new section-so I had copied the notes over correctly, but had forgotten to switch the vocab over into the next section. I.had.to.do.it.all.over................again. I was almost on the verge of tears...my entire afternoon had been one big waste, when I actually attempted to get some much needed work done. I let out a helpless cry, one that closely resembled that of Manon in Jean de Florette when she finds out her father died due to her "caring" neighbors, cussed at my paper, not to mention myslef, and took a deep breath. No more breaks-I was going to get this done if it killed me. By 6, I had finally, and carefully, recopied all my notes for the last time...and then I called it a night on the homework, knowing if I attempted to continue, I would only damn myself later by being too tired to notice an essential detail until it was too late. Dinnertime came, and I was as undecided about that as I was about my mood-I think the meds have something to do with it. Or perhaps its just in my nature...either way, I feel like I have a one-way ticket on the PMS train, and it left the station a LOOOOOOOONG time ago. Dinner started with the same question-"Wanna try something you can chew tonight? Even real easy, like scrambled eggs?" with the ever constant answer "I can't chew mom. Period. Not yet." I think chewing is a part of keeping one's spirits up. So it started with mashed potatoes, but having had those earlier that day, I changed my mind mid-nuking in the microwave. I settled for a cup of applesauce while my mother pushed the oatmeal and I insistently rejected it. Finally, after the 5 minutes it took to spoon down the mashed apples and cinnamon, I took to my bed, the only place that offered me comfort. However, after 10 minutes of trying to distract myself with an episode of Will and Grace, I could no longer ignore the groans coming from the depths of my blankets, and saw how far I could get with the oatmeal. Surprisingly, I got it down without too much struggle. It took about 30 minutes, and it ran like soup, but I still got it down. And it filled me up a little better than any pudding cup could. I relied on my humor to get me through the rest of the night that consisted of cracks from my dad about whether I wanted any beef jerky or not, and sitting through the never-ending commercials about Burger King, or KFC, or even frozen TV dinners that seem to have an even stronger appeal later in the evening. Hell, I was watching a movie with my mother about 2 people stranded on an island, having only peacock to survive on, and even that looked tantalizing. Pretty soon, it's going to get to the point where I'm willing to have people chew my food for me just to get the taste in my mouth....I swear, as soon as I can go out and public without people staring because they think I have a skin deformity, I'm going to the nearest buffet and eating my weight in food.
What are you doing up at 12:27 am?
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Monday, August 09, 2004
a toast to good friends, good music, and pizza....
Feeling:  eased
Drinking: coffee
Music of choice: "Memory"-Sugarcult
Excuse me if I sounded like one of your typical, pill-popping, wrist-slitting, "my life sucks more than yours" teenagers in my last entry. Truth be told...even the happy little bunny gets a little down sometimes. Then she realizes all it takes is breathing in a few good paint fumes and life is lollipops and gumdrops again. Just kidding. I've really never thought of my life as "sucking" before, actually, most of the time I find I have it pretty damn good. I'm not one to complain-but we're all allowed to be a little dramatic at times and wallow in our self pity every now and again, aren't we? That's what I thought...
Now as my coffee gets disgustingly cold, I shall go over what I can remember of my weekend-problem is, yesterday I took quite the hit to the ground, and I'm afraid I might have a minor concussion, and can't really remember much of yesterday...I have to go into surgery tomorrow, and they're putting me out. Is that safe with the possibility of a concussion?
It sounds so serious when I say "surgery." I'm actually just getting my wisdom teeth out, and it'll all be over in a matter of an hour. But it was fun pretending I actually had a serious condition for a few minutes.
So yesterday's events are beginning to flood back. It was Jenn's birthday party, so I got up insanely early for a Sunday, went over to her house to do her hair and makeup, and went to the place the party was @ to help set up. There was a bunch of people I didn't know, but based on the knowledge of how well I make friends, that wasn't a problem. Someone asked me if I was Canadian...oddly enough, yesterday was one of the few days I wasn't running around with the Canadian flag wrapped around my shoulders as a shawl, my maple leaf necklace around my neck, my collection of dried maple leaves in my purse, and swinging a jar of maple syrup to pour over all my food....cuz that's what us Canadians do, of course....
Apparently if your eyes are brown, it means because you're full of shit. And I got an array of new nicknames yesterday...including Chantay (been there) Shanikwa (again, done it) Show and Tell...something I've always thought of, but no one has ever said...and Ashanti-again, been done. But very creative, I must say. You should give yourselves a pat on the back.
I engaged in volleyball games yesterday. And wrestling. I don't really remember how the wrestling started...something to do with ice. I think I spit it....that's really all I can remember before I hit the ground and everything went black...
My underwear drawer was invaded today. My brand new thong, from V.S., was contaminated. And I haven't even worn it yet....
I may never kiss again after tomorrow. Now THAT my friends...would be the biggest tragedy of all. That's like depriving comedy it's Robin Williams, or depriving basketball it's Michael Jordon. Or depriving peanut butter from it's jelly. Or depriving molestation from it's R. Kelly.
Hey, we can't all be winners.
What are you doing up at 11:20 pm?
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Friday, August 06, 2004
there's no easy way to say this
Feeling:  glum
Craving: nothing
Music of choice: nothing
I'm like this tornado that sweeps through people's lives and leaves them feeling broken and abandoned. I walk in on people when they're perfectly happy with life, and I turn everything upside down. I don't bring any good or happiness to people...perhaps temporarily, but in the end, I just cause pain. I should put a warning sign around my neck- "Caution-Do Not Get Involved. You Will Get Hurt." I feel like a terrible person, and I don't know why I do what I do. Maybe I'm turning into him...the person I always said I would never become...because I remember what it felt like to be the one who was left alone, and whose feelings had been disregarded. It didn't matter what I wanted...I had to "deal" because of what someone else wanted, and suck up my emotions. Maybe I'm turning into that person after all...or maybe I'm just scared. I always get so damned scared. Or maybe...I'm still 15...
I'm so sorry....
What are you doing up at 11:50 pm?
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Saturday, July 24, 2004
Feeling: elated
Craving: soda pop
Music of choice: "Whisky Lullaby"-Brad Paisley and Allison Kraus
It should be a crime to be up this early. Especially on a Saturday. It's just not right. However, what's even more messed up, is that I was supposed to be able to sleep till 8, but @ 730 my mental clock just decided that 6 hours of sleep was plenty. I wasn't allowed to fall back asleep. :-\ However, now I need to be up, b/c today is the company picnic @ Lake Compounce. "Oh grievous day. Men support me." ..........It's far too early to be quoting musicals. Wiz n Curtiss are coming along with me. Not the best of days for LC. It's overcast, and it's only supposed to hit mid-70's. Compared to the entire week that has just had 80 degree weather. Ah well-it's a day of free rides, free soda, and free food. :-) Life is still good.
I got the best outfit @ the mall last night. It's a white cotton skirt w/ white embroidery, and I tried on a button-up white shirt tied @ the waist. I already had the shirt @ home, so I got the skirt. I feel like I belong in a Britney Spears video. I feel like I should frolic. I just wanna skip through a meadow and pick flowers. I'm a flower child. Peace and love, dude.
What are you doing up at 08:13 am?
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Thursday, July 22, 2004
Feeling:  oh-so loved
Craving: nothing
Music of choice: "Spend My Time" -Clint Black
It all started out with a simple goodbye...
SpankMeSexy6942: luv u so much
SpankMeSexy6942: and thank u for everything
playbillbunny01: lol ok luv
playbillbunny01: dont thank me 4 anything-by being there ur thanking me more than words ever could
playbillbunny01: i luv u babe:-*nitey
SpankMeSexy6942: i love u tal
The love began to take me in...
playbillbunny01: I LUV U CURTISS!
AKCurtiss115: lol i luv u to tal
Then it just turned into a sick game of Monopoly, in which I was the banker...
playbillbunny01: I LOVE YOU RACHEL!
KiSS Me 2 0 3: =-O
KiSS Me 2 0 3: dude i love you too!
As you can see, I couldn't stop myself...
playbillbunny01: I LOVE YOU DANA RENEE WITH THE SAME MIDDLE NAME AS ME!
dshorty3762: I LOVE U MORE!
playbillbunny01: I LOVE YOU JESSICA!
jessabuzz10: I LOVE YOU TOO CHANTAL
And now, I am sad to say...I am a slave to love. I love, and I am loved in return. God bless the people.
What are you doing up at 11:54 pm?
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they have a manual for everything these days...
Feeling: happy
Craving:  lasagna
Music of choice: "Fast Times at Drop-Out High"-The Ataris
Saliva Control 101:
Controlling your waterworks
by The Kissing Fool
The number one complaint about kissing these days, from both girls and boys, seems to be... you guessed it: SLOPPINESS! I've heard countless stories of wayward tongues, overly abundant saliva, and kisses that leave you feeling more like you got slapped in the face with a giant slug than giddy and breathless (as a good kiss should leave you.)
So what's a kisser to do? There are so many things to worry about when kissing... hands, lips, tongue, hair, body odor... not to mention environmental factors like your surroundings, traffic, parents, siblings, earthquakes... you get the idea. How do you manage to keep up with controlling spit... both yours and theirs, short of pausing every couple of minutes to spit, rinse, and repeat?
Never fear, faithful kissers... here I attempt to suggest a few strategies for dealing with saliva and it's love/hate relationship with kissing. These are not intended as a step-by-step manual for drier kissing. In fact, overly dry kissing causes it's own set of problems. Rather, these suggestions will hopefully give you the basic principles of saliva control... principles which it is up to you to expand, perfect, and adjust to fit your particular kissing style.
1) Of course this may seem obvious, but SWALLOW! In the rush of the moment, this simple solution is often overlooked, but it is important to swallow both before and during the kissing session. Swallowing before the kiss helps prevent a sudden drool-fest once you decide to open your mouth... and a good start is VITAL to good kissing. We know that you're nervous, excited, or whatever... but if you've made it this far, you might as well take that extra step of preparation.
During the kiss itself, ridding yourselves of that extraneous liquid buildup is essential to keeping the kiss somewhat under control. Of course, often this means swallowing a mouthful of their spit as well as yours... which may sound a little unappetizing, especially in this day and age. But if you've been slapping tongues for any length of time, you can pretty much guarantee that your mouths have reached an equilibrium that a little more saliva will certainly not upset. Besides, you've come this far... why be squeamish now?
2) So swallow that excess spit, eh? Well that just leads us to an entirely new set of problems... as in, how exactly does one pull off this maneuver without breaking the flow of the kiss or looking like a complete idiot? Here is where your own particular style must develop... try different strategies and see what works best for you.
One way is use the swallowing process to your advantage. Simply work an opportunity into the kiss, while making the kiss itself better. For example, a quick break to kiss a neck, chin, or ear is an excellent chance to do a little oral housekeeping. Likewise, a small break to take a breath (or 'pant' if you're doing it right) can serve to indicate your excitement and heighten their pleasure, all while giving you a chance to adjust your water level.
The most important thing is to be creative and natural. Breaking away to gulp feverishly is not an especially attractive technique, and may severely shorten the kissing session itself. Just try to relax, be aware of what's going on in your mouth and theirs, and do what you can to keep the situation under control.
Of course, sometimes a nice, wet, sloppy kiss is just what the doctor ordered. But that's another topic, for another day.
So get out there and practice kissing... and try some of the techniques suggested here. You'll generally find that people really appreciate a kisser with the refinement to control the overall moisture content of any kiss. Remember, don't kiss like an amateur... kiss like a pro!
What are you doing up at 05:22 pm?
Permalink
Socrates and Plato both believed mind was seperable from body
Feeling:  buzzing
Drinking: coffee
Craving:  taco bell
Music of choice: "Everything About You"-Three Days Grace
I have so much to say, and at the same time, nothing at all. I'll take the latter approach, only b/c I have a lazy streak, and let the former slowly eat away at my insides, like a moth in a woolen sweater.
Why does heat not stay within a coffee cup, no matter what you do? No matter what sort of a contraption you put your coffee in to retain heat, it somehow manages to find its way out? Coffee is very sneaky...
And why is it, that when you are expecting a phone call all day, and you purposely stay off the phone and around the house to be present for that phone call, that as soon as you leave, you get it?
Yesterday was my first visit to Seven minus one flags. (For all you scholars, decode that ;-p) Yes, you read correctly-my first time there. Ever. Ya know, for being an only child, I sure haven't reaped many benefits. The rides were definitely "thrilling and exciting" as they like to advertise. We even went on the Superman twice. :-O I know, hold me back. Twas fun for sure. Would I do it again? You betcha...
I was watching a show today on Las Vegas show girls. One of them was getting kicked from the show. The show was called Skintight. They had to dance topless and usually with much butt cleavage as well. I don't think even breast implants, spending 3 hours with a trainer every day, and starving myself would still make me secure enough with my body to expose it like that. I guess I'm just too self-concious. I think I always will be. I don't even like my stomach being touched. My automatic reaction is to suck it in. It makes me wonder-if I worked hard enough to turn it into a six-pack, would I even be secure with it then? Or is it just in our human nature to naturally spot another flaw when one has been fixed? Many questions tonight...maybe I should change my mood to questioning.
What are you doing up at 12:06 am?
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Monday, July 19, 2004
Put me in a petri dish--that's obviously all I'm good for.
Feeling: relieved
Craving:  water
Music of choice: "Ocean Avenue" -Yellowcard
I've come to realize that my mother is my best friend. As corny as that may sound, she is, and I'm damn proud to say it. I'll scream it from the mountaintops. My.mom.is.my.best.friend. I think in most cases, a mother is every daughter's best friend, but you don't realize it until you're in your 20's and have outgrown your teenage phase of saying you hate her and telling her she's ruining your life and slamming doors in her face. My mother and I have never gone through that phase-I don't think we will, either. I have a really good relationship with my mom. I respect her so much. She's really the only one who I can always count on to be there for me. Please observe the typical relationship a "normal" teenage girl has with her mother. Enter teenager after school one day:
mother: "how was school hun?"
teen: "fine"
mother: "what did you do today?"
teen: "nothing"
mother: "well, how are your friends doing?"
teen: "fine"
mother: "can you say anything but 'fine' and 'nothing' to me?"
teen: "can you stop be so nosy about my life?"
**cue the fight scene, which ends with teenage girl dramatically storming upstairs to her room and slamming her door**
My mother and I don't really operate like that. That's not to say we don't fight-we do. Hell, I'm not trying to make this an episode of Little House on the Prairie where Laura says "Oh mother, I love you so much!" and rushes over to give her a hug, cue credits and music. No. We fight like a normal mother and 15-yr old daughter. However, I was reading an article the other day that stated a mother and daughter, on average, fight every 2 1/2 days, and I don't agree. My mother and I barely fight once a week. I'm not trying to go Pleasantville here, but it's just not something we do. I don't find bragging rights in telling people I told my mother to kiss my ass. I guess we just have a good relationship-and that's not something I'm ashamed of. Most people discover that their mother is their best friend somewhere in their 20's-I guess I've just discovered that a little earlier. But lately, I've come to realize that she's one of the only people I can talk to who won't take what I say and publish it in Entertainment Weekly. She actually listens to me, and never once tells me "You need to do this," or "Stop hanging out with this person." She always tells me that I have to do what makes me happy, and that's all that matters. It just feels good to know that there's not someone who's constantly got my life under a magnifying glass, observing me like some specimen in a petri dish. My life is not something to be pulled apart with tweezers and examined closely, like the inner workings of an earthworm. You want excitement? Go jump off a bridge or rob a store...but don't make me your science experiment. Don't observe my reactions when you distrub my environment. I'm really not that interesting. And you're not going to get a reaction out of me anymore. At least, not the reaction you want. You want me to get mad and blow up and be the bitch and go telling everyone off and talking shit about you? Well, it's not going to happen anymore. Maybe that's how I would have reacted in the past, but I'm over that now. I don't react anymore-call it "unhealthy" if you like, but I'm truly done reacting. The only thing I'm going to do is close off to you. It's like in baseball-3 strikes, and you're out. Well, you've had your 3 strikes, now you're out. I'm just going to start closing off to the people I don't feel I can trust anymore. My mother is the only person I will continue to share my personal life with, besides my few friends who have proved themselves loyal against every test. ILU guys. Not everything is what it appears to be. Some people can really disappoint you. In a way, I guess those people have done me a favor. Tonight, my mother told me that I've grown up as a result from...everything. I've matured. I guess my ongoing situations have caused me to grow up, in a sense. Not only that, but if it weren't for the trust issue, I would pouring myself out to the people around me still. Constantly. Now that I've stopped, I've turned to my mother, not someone I would usually completely make myself vulnerable to. I don't usually like knowing that she knows everything about me, because it means she can have control over me. She's got a crazy mother's intuition that always ends up being right, and giving her the right information can sometimes hurt me. I don't like her knowing things I don't already know. It makes me appear weak. However, I have opened up to her, and she's really proven herself to me in return. She doesn't use anything I say against me, or get paranoid and lock me up in my room b/c I'm "growing." If anything, she trusts me more now because she knows what's going on in my life-obviously because I'm telling her the truth and she doesnt' have to guess about what's "really" going on. I wouldn't spend hours up with her feeding her stories-why not just not tell her anything instead of waste my time with lies? She is still a mother though, and does question me from time to time. She's worried about me regardless. That's natural. But all it takes is a word of reassurance, and she's convinced. I really appreciate and respect that. It feels so good to know that someone isn't second-guessing you, or saying "I believe you" to your face and then turning around and trashing your name. She isn't trying to make my life more dramatic so she can sit back with a bag of popcorn and watch. I'm her daughter, and all she wants is for me to be happy. So mom, this entry is dedicated to you. In your honor, for all you do for me. Thank you for sitting up with me till 1 in the morning just listening, or for all those times you make fun of me when we see that infamous 3-letter word. Thank you for asking me to watch TV with you when I get home after being out all night. Thank you for waiting up for me to get home that same night. Thank you for laughing with me, and for telling me when I needed to cool down. Thank you for not letting me make irrational decisions. Thank you for making me something to eat when I come home @ 12:30 and I'm starving. Thank you for those nights where you endlessly remind me to take off my makeup before going to bed, no matter how much I tell you I'm going to remember. Thank you for then waking my ass up when i DO forget and making me go wash my face. Thank you for always offering advice, but never telling me what to do. Thank you for letting me live my life, and mess up, and make mistakes, and learn from my mistakes. Most of all...thanks for being my mom. I love you.
What are you doing up at 12:30 am?
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